Ami
by Touch of Gray
Summary: I wish I could do it all again, just once, you know? Even the bad parts. [Before the final battle, Penelo reflects.]


**Ami**

I can't believe it's almost over. We're about to get this whole thing over and done with, and... It doesn't feel like it. It feels like we've still got time, or there's something else to do. It doesn't quite feel real - there must be something we've missed, or we're not ready, or...

I'm nervous, and I'm babbling. I'm not thinking straight. How have I come this far? It seems like just yesterday, Reks was still trying to teach Vaan and I how to hold a sword, now Reks is dead and I've become so accustomed to weapons it's almost a joke. Little Penelo carrying around this giant spear or crossbow or bonk-stick (Reks's name for a Pole, and he wouldn't listen to their merits - _It's a big stick that looks like it's supposed to hold a flag. How useful can that possibly be against some big monster? No, you take the bow and arrow, and actually do damage._)

Reks would have been a good addition to the team, except that he would never have let me join, and he probably would have killed Balthier for - however accidentally - getting me captured by bounty hunters (and then he would have realized that he just killed his only way to get to Bhujerba, about ten minutes too late). On second thought, you know, Reks probably wouldn't have been such a great part of the team.

...I miss him, though.

Vaan is fidgeting in the seat beside me. He looks so tense. I kind of want to tell Balthier to turn around and take us back to Balfonheim so everyone can get pathetically drunk, and _then _we can fight this battle. I mean, I can't be the only one who doesn't really want to face the prospect of getting impaled by an emperor. The way I see it, if I'm completely smashed, maybe I won't notice, and will keep fighting anyway.

But that would be stupid and immature. I know we can do this. I just... wish we didn't have to.

I'm not really sure what I mean by that, either. I don't want to have to kill Vayne, and I also don't want this to end, period. The only person I know I'm going to keep in touch with is Vaan. But Ashe is going to become Queen, and she won't have time for us. Basch will probably be protecting her or get reinstated into the army, so we won't see him, either. Balthier and Fran will go off again, being sky pirates, because they can't stay still for long.

And me? I'll be with Vaan, probably still stocking shelves in Migelo's Sundries. I can see it now. People leaning in through windows, whispering, _Is that the girl who was in the resistance with Queen Ashelia? I think it is her. What's she doing stocking an item shop?_

Or worse, not.

That seems tragic, somehow. That, no matter what's happened here or who I've become close to, by this time next week, it'll be just like it was before. I mean, that's sort of a good thing - you know, life goes on and all - but I can't shake the feeling that I _ought_ to be changed by this. That I shouldn't just go back to being the dancer and stock-girl for Migelo. It's like getting home from a vacation, and by the second hour you're back, it feels like you never left.

I want to feel like I've been gone. I want to feel like everything is changing around me, and I'm not the one doing all the shifting. That the world has changed, so I don't have to. I want to stay like this, sitting cramped up in the Strahl, all of us reeking of sweat and blood and Balthier's cologne, tense and close-together, forever. I don't want this moment to end.

Because I know that once it's gone, it's gone for good. We'll never be this close again. I'll probably never see half of them again. And I don't want to lose this.

I wish I could do it all again, just once, you know? Even the bad parts. Because it doesn't feel like I should be leaving all of this behind to go onto something new. It feels like this is the something new, this is what I've been working toward my whole life. You aren't supposed to have done everything by seventeen. You're supposed to have the world ahead of you, but I've done it all.

I feel empty, somehow. Everything I've done has led to this point, and I just want to go back and re-live it.

But I can't. I can't stop time, and I can't make this go any slower.

Balthier lands the _Strahl_, and it's almost over, again.  
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(A/N: Endings are for losers. I may do one of these from the PoV of each character. Maybe not. I don't know. Of all the Final Fantasies that I've played, it seems like this is the one that most forces the party apart at the end. I mean, Basch is in Archades, Balthier and Fran are gone somewhere, Vaan and Penelo are moving around too, and Ashe is ruling. They can't just meet up and be a group again. That really strikes me as tragic. Also, it's named Ami because that's the song I was listening to when I started it. For full effect, listen to that while reading. Or the Oath, which was also being listened to. I absolutely love Final Fantasy VIII's soundtrack.)

(And review, dangit!)


End file.
